when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
