im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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