A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
