If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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