it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
