Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
