Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
