I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
He has the fingertips of a God
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
