I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
