Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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