I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
