I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
