sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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