I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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