I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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