Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
