I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
