Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
