I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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