Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
