I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
