My liver just broke up with me...
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
