i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
