I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
