based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Randomize
