This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Randomize
