What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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