Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
