my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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