I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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