Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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