I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
