I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
