if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
