I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
