Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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