I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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