bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I think my moral compass just broke
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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