I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
