she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
