Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
