It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
