Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
We had sex on a dog bed..
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
