Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
