There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
