Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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