meet me or not, i'm out of control
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Randomize
