I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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