I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
