Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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