Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
