the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
